Shopping Without My Kids

The moment you leave your kids to do something you enjoy, there’s always a sense of disbelief that washes over you. As if someone is about to say, hey you there! You really thought you could get away with this?? Get back to your station, worm! Yes, that sounded horrible, but this is where mom brain takes you sometimes. If however you are lucky enough to slip out unnoticed by the sahm authorities it is one of the strangest and freeing experiences you’ll ever embark upon.

I walked into the Waterfront just having left my 1 year old son with my hubby and my sister, while my 6 year old daughter was shopping with my mum. They were technically in the centre but we weren’t rolling together which is a rarity as you might have gathered. As I entered my historical hangout, I got to really look at all the faces, reminisce on the different spots and be wonderfully assaulted by all the smells of Lush and the likes.

Where to go first, I wondered as I scrunched my face up at the R50-a-scoop ice cream shop. Let's check up on good ol faithful Mr Price, see how she’s doing…(yes Mr Price is a girl). But immediately turning the corner, the younger, foreign temptress caught my eye. H&M, you slut! You better be having a sale! As I perused the rails, I kept checking that my non-existent pram was still there. Of course it wasn’t and neither was my SIZE in any of the stuff that was somewhat affordable. So I shoved off to my Day 1, MRP, who always understands me, followed by the “sister who always knows what’s best” of shops, Clicks.

After buying a few prezzies and deciding that R100 is too much for my cheap ass to pay for sunnies, my aisle wondering led me to a place that one can only look at if completely alone in aisle. That's right, the sexual health section. I felt the need to be wearing a wedding ring as I truly believed people staring at me in utter disgust. You sickening pervert, they would whisper. Over the years I think I’ve accumulated a total of 15 seconds to actually look at these products. All I know is that there is a red bottle and a blue bottle. And one of them definitely takes you to the Matrix. After my 2.5 second inspection I scurried off to pay for my less racy items and headed on over to Edgars to do what everyone does at Edgars. Walk right through the makeup section and spray enough designer perfume on you to last for the weekend. No thanks Bronwyn, I bought all my Chanel yesterday.

Snapping back to reality, my mum and daughter were probably just about done. After a quick call, I was relieved to hear that they were not. Onwards I marched to (grumble) Pick n Pay! If someone doesn’t need toothpaste, we’re out of tomatoes again and don’t get me started on the drums of Oros needed to sustain a 6 year old’s lifestyle. So I headed on over and could smell the pungent stink of responsibility in the air. I fell in line and grabbed my trolley to join the other sad sacks. Only when I heard one of the kids raging about KinderJoy dreams unfulfilled, I permeated the passages with malevolent laughter. Fools! Worship me, The Unshackled, The Unchained! Sadly however, my evil monologue was cut short by the Pronutro. Ooh we needed 2 kilos of that. At which point I had an awkward encounter with a box of Futurelife. Our eyes connected for a second but I quickly looked away. I knew it must have been hurtful, especially after being introduced to my family. It was expected that I’d just pick a box up as usual. But it was festive season! Our relationship was in a different place! I was with Coco Pops now. I nervously snatched Coco and headed to the till, putting Futurelife in the past. I know we’ll meet again…

After paying for my stuff like a civilized person and not having to wrestle my toddler to sit in the trolley and bribe him with a snack, I looked in the bags and couldn’t wait to give them their tiny gifts from the day. And yes, they were KinderJoys. I am the Shackled, I am the Chained. But also the Grounded, the Ridiculously Blessed. I arrived at our rendezvous location, Toy Kingdom, and Layla plunged down the slide and into my arms. I gave her hair a good sniff and zipped down the road to fetch my little guy.

He had just woken up as I arrived, sleep creases in his red cheeks and a smile to say you are my everything. Well it was either that or because of the colossal surprise he left in his nappy. Either way, it felt good to be back. It's so good to be out, to be your own person exploring the world, even if it is just a humble mall walk. But nothing compares to the human cocoon that is your kids when they're wrapped around you. And when you reunite just after what seems like a moment, a hole in your heart that you didn't know was there is once again, sealed.

Ask any parent and they'll tell you. There’s a certain way your kids look at you that no one can really explain. That one look makes all the sleepless nights, morning meltdowns and nappy surprises worth it. Such adoration and a tender longing to forever be with…wait...they’re looking at the KinderJoys aren’t they.

Ya, if anyone needs me I’ll be in the kitchen eating Coco Pops.