Negative Woman

So we’ve all heard of the age old equation:

Woman plus Child = Negative Woman

Okay you haven’t because I literally just made that up, but this is the definition of a feeling that I can’t quite put into to words, so I put it into a theorem.

I know, everyone has seen, in at least some form, a supernatural mother. These are the variety that have a baby and afterwards retain an epic "womanliness". They are still (traditionally at least) alluring, playfully charming and possess that pre kid glow. You know the glow I’m talking about. The one they desperately wanna sell you on Revlon and Tommy Girl ads but use words like “Luminous” or “Infallible”.

Anyway, these mom species can be spotted on Instagram, Reality TV, Reality TV stars ON Instagram…you get the picture.

But the rest of us get to go through a natural process of (pause for Dr Evil air quotes)…”getting the life sucked out of us”. Not to say we’re now ugly desperate hags, no. Its just that feeling, the feeling that's so difficult to explain.

Remember in college when you were walking along to class and your ponytail was swaying back and forth and you didn’t even notice it was doing that? That was life as a woman so far. Well, for me anyways. So much vigor, so much bounce, so intoxicating, we could really just rule the bloody world if we wanted to! We've been blessed with all this enchantment and on soooome level we do know it. After we have kids though, we really come to realize it. And by then, its as if we’re looking at it in retrospect. And we begin to notice it has already faded, greatly.

This is the part where we break out the tissues but bear with me. Yes, you can produce a human, yes it is very magical, some might say miraculous, but it comes at a price. I’ll actually send you the itemized billing:

9 months pregnancy

1-14 days (or more) excruciating child labour

Post mortem (whoops) PARTUM recovery

Post Partum Depression

Total Body Swap: Whose Body Is This Edition (may include weight gain, titty sag, hair loss incontinence, stretch marks, clown feet and Vag adjustments)

Sleepless nights

So many mood swings. All the moods. Every day. Until death.

The 1st of a 85 page invoice mind you. After all that, are we even recognizable as the female species? I’m not! I don’t say things like I love how this fits me or I wish construction workers would stop whistling at me. I kind of just...dissolved into my family life. I got so buried in my children and keeping them alive that I became so detached from life carrying on around you. What is Twitter even anyway?? My 1st born was going through a poop art phase when that came out! We are so irrelevant and so drained of life blood, that we deny ourselves the right to be the femme fatales we once were.

I am here to wake you up from this coma. Yes child, you had a baby but you are still a woman! Take a deep breath, suck up all your new naggy good for nothing thoughts…Oooh you’re not sexy, your tummy bounces on bumpy roads, you have a bird nesting in your hair you old bag! Suck up all of that and just for today, just for this moment, let those filthy buggers out! Blow them into the heavens or if you prefer, the atmosphere and roar till you can’t roar no more. Go on. This is why Mufasa died, so he could live through all of us. Channel him.

Okay granted about 98% of you didn’t do it, but maybe visualized it, and that’s all I wanted.

Whenever you’re feeling like entering Motherhood, no matter how miraculous it is, has you feeling like less of a woman, remember this moment. Claim back your Woman Power with a single ROAR. Woman plus child equals freakin miracle machine warrior woman!

So never feel plain. Mara you are beautiful! And not just in a swaying ponytail kinda way. You now have a MOTHER glow pumping through your veins. Remember as a kid how you used to look at your Mom?

You are now THAT Goddess.

Hauw but didn’t you know...?