5 Things You’d Never Expect About Becoming a Parent

So you basically know okay, milk is now gonna come forth from my boobs, I must keep new human clean and full and also the reality of how expensive these guys are really sets in. But very few of us can predict the subtle nuances of parenthood. For instance, “I’ll take you to the candy shop” now has a completely different meaning! But let’s look at what you might experience becoming a mum or dad.

1. Former beef will be squashed.

We all have at least one woman we have some history with. Whether something happened in the past or you guys just never really vibed, there’s usually a girl where you kind of hold your breath when they enter the party. Will they greet me, won’t they? Are we just gonna do the mutual respectfully ignore move, or shall we air kiss it out and be done for the day. You know the type! Well… thanks to the bun from your oven, you will now have a wealth of conversation between you. And it will probably sound a little like this:

Oh my gosh he’s getting so big! How’s having two kids?

I think I’m done having kids har har har! This one never let’s me rest!

Mine’s the same though, shame. Is he still on the breast?

Only when he sleeps, but I’m trying to get him on the bottle

What formula do you use, NAN makes mine super constipated...

You see?? Before you didn’t have a word to say to this broad now you out here talking bout breasts and constipation! Its a beautiful thing

2. Guys, post baby, will become softer

Did I mention you’ll have that exact conversation above with the dad included? And they’ll say something really profound like, I was so apprehensive of loving my second born the way I love our first. But now I see that the love you have is limitless for every one of your children. And you’re standing there thinking, didn’t you used to cat call girls at church? The most primitive man becomes a ball of affection, a rock for his family and a willing changer of nappies. Oh yes, don’t believe the hype. Men definitely do that, and with pride to boot. Millennials aren’t all bad.

3. Someone will librate you to activate time to yourself.

Once upon a time, there was a thing called “your time”. It existed as it were in its purest form. The MOMENT that baby (bless them) enters the Earth, he or she will be the proud new owner of “your time”. You will have to request another human to distract the owner for a few hours so that you may do one of the following:

Sleeeeeeeeeeeep

Shower (its not a given when you will get to again)

Study/work

Clean the house (yup, you now use “your time” to do this heinous act)

Catch up on one of the 7 series your friends have been yelling at you to watch

Also, in such time you won’t want it to end but will also be very worried about how the other human is doing with your tiny time owner. Speaking of which, why hasn’t my Mum called yet, omg!

4.You have to make food all…the…time

From the time your precious bundle transitions to solids until adulthood, that thing needs to eat. Several times a day. And not just anything, it has to be healthy and nutritious. But also, not anything that they are allergic to. Oh and they have to like the taste and texture. Oh wait also, when they don’t speak the English yet, you have to guess when they’re hungry. You might make a zesty colourful chicken stirfry with brown rice and your toddler might welcome it as a new learning game. How long does it take crazy boob lady to clean rice and chicken off the floor. At this point you might want to call a human for some of that me time you read about.

5. How much you will actually love the little blighters

When I was a girl I thought the highest level of love you could achieve was Justin Timberlake. Turns out its your offspring. You don’t ever realize just how incomplete your being is until they come along. And because of this ridiculous amount of love, you are always worried about them. I put down my six year old daughter to sleep, go downstairs and see what series I can fall asleep to. As I’m flicking through the options she says, Mom! I rush upstairs, heart pounding yes?! Thinking, is she sick, is there a burglar in the house, is she super sad and lonely, what is it??? She says….”I’m thirsty.” And in that moment I knew. Yup...

Definitely done having kids.